This Spirit of Fear

Who am I really? Behind all of my masks. Behind what I write. Who am I and why am I the way that I am?

I know I’m not the only one who has thought long and hard about questions like these. For the past couple of days I’ve been trying to figure myself out. Sounds kind of weird..Like..Shouldn’t I have a full understanding of who I am and why I’m a certain way? It’s kind of overwhelming to think about because there are so many different moments, some huge and some tiny, that have shaped me and caused me to become who I am in this moment. People are constantly changing because of experiences and that’s what makes these such crazy questions.

A few things that make me, me:

  • I prefer the floor over a chair any day. Give me a pillow to hold in my lap and I’m the most content person who you’ve ever met.
  • I hate reading what I write. Hate it!
  • Even more than I hate reading it, I hate that what I write is public. I make it public because a few of my blogger friends encourage me to do so, and I like a good challenge. But if it were up to me, all of this would be private.
  • I 100% believe that getting back with an ex is never a good idea and I simply won’t do it.
  • The best way for me to share my honest thoughts is for me to write it out. It just makes so much more sense after that.
  • I’m super guarded. It’s like my defense mechanism. I hate it and it frustrates me to no end! I feel like it pushes people away at first. I have the strongest desire to be raw, deep, and honest. It just takes a little longer for me to get to that point. So if someone wants to get there with me, just keep showing you care and really are interested. Listening to a person’s thoughts and stories is the most sincere and genuine thing. I absolutely love it. And feeling comfortable enough to share my thoughts and stories with people as well..yep, that’s where it’s at. I love that.
  • A good way for me to communicate with people is through writing letters. When I write, it’s easy for me to be open and there’s just something about writing that’s so personal.

The list could go on and on. It’s funny because when people ask me to share things about myself in conversation, my heart races and my mind literally goes blank. But when I write, I can think of things to say in no time flat. It’s so weird and it’s one of the things that really annoy me about myself! For anyone who’s ever had a conversation with me, you know how “to myself” I can be. Sometimes it’s because I’m nervous and sometimes it’s because I really don’t have anything to say to you. But what I’m finding out it really comes down to is simply this: I’m terrified of being judged.

Having conversations with people can sometimes be intense. Once words are spoken, there’s no way of editing what you said. There’s no way to take it back. You can add to it, or correct yourself, but there’s still no way to completely erase your words from the air and this is a problem for me because I don’t like making mistakes. Pretty sure I don’t know anyone who does. But I think that sometimes I become so fearful of saying the wrong thing that it causes me to hold back so much of what I honestly would love to share with certain people. I don’t want it to be this way. I really don’t think this has to be “who I am”. This spirit of fear within me, whatever has caused it to be such a powerful thing in my life, is only a label I’ve allowed myself to believe for far too long. Yes, people I’ve been completely real with have hurt me. Yes, I’ve opened up to people only to find out later on that they were not trustworthy. Yes, I’ve been judged at times. But hasn’t everybody? Something in me wants to give every single person a chance. Something in me knows that it’s not fair to not trust someone just because of past experiences with other people. I believe that I can trust people unless they give me a reason not to trust them. But believing that is only the first step to actually living that out.

I’m naturally a more gentle and soft-spoken person, and I’m perfectly ok with that. But being fearful and guarded is not at all something I want to hold me back. Sometimes it’s ok. I don’t think every single person needs to know every single thing about me. I also think that it’s ok not to be completely open with people right away. If they are willing to put in the effort and be patient with me while I try to open up to them, then that’s totally awesome. I promise that our relationship will get to that point if we’re both consistent. If not, sometimes it’s disappointing, but I just have to accept that I’m not going to know that person on a “deep” level, even if I’d like to. It’s a two way street. All I can do is work on myself and continue to pray about the fear within me that seems to cripple me at times. All I can do is pray that God will put me in situations where I can choose to speak up. I can pray that God will place people in my life who are willing to take the time to watch this label of fear disappear. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do. It’s uncomfortable and hard, but that’s life and that’s the only way to overcome these types of things.



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