This year has been one big learning experience for me. My heart has experienced emotions it didn’t know existed. My mind has been blown by new people and new ideas. I have had brutally honest moments with myself that have been some of the hardest, yet most liberating moments of my life. This year has been a whirlwind of emotional ups and downs and I’m still trying to piece it all together. I have learned to stop living my life on other people’s terms. I have learned to be completely comfortable with who I am in my truest form. And I have learned to keep going despite any circumstance I might find myself in.
The beginning of 2014 I was in a place where I was pretty content with the way things were going. I was single, and I actually really enjoyed that time in my life. I hadn’t dated anyone in awhile but I wasn’t really interested in changing that. I wasn’t opposed to it either. I was at a place where I simply wanted to focus on myself and God. I had a “whatever happens, happens” attitude going on. This part of the year was kind of nice. School was stressful, but it wasn’t the end of the world. And nothing horrible was going on, It was pretty smooth sailing.
I think it was sometime in April when I began dating a guy. I’m not sure of the exact time to be completely honest.. Oops. I was head over heels crazy for him at the time. My closest friend told me not to do it, but I was convinced that I knew him differently than she did, I was convinced he was worth it. And maybe he was right for me for that time in my life. We did have some great times together. Tons of laughter, sweet surprises, and a couple of new adventures. I thought things were going pretty well, but apparently I was wrong because suddenly I was dealing with a breakup. Before I knew it my whole world felt like it was spinning in circles and I wasn’t sure how to breathe. Break ups are funny that way. I continued on with my life despite the world that was going on inside of me. I went to work, hung out with friends, and all those other things that people do on the daily. For a fair amount of time after the break up, a large part of me couldn’t let go. I didn’t want to believe that it was over and I thought he was making the biggest mistake of his life. Of course.. I had to let him know that (ragrets). I was in pain and I was vulnerable and I was determined to fight for the relationship I had with him (shoutout to Selena Gomez for her song ‘The Heart Wants What it Wants’ because she gets it). Turns out you can’t always win, no matter how good of a fight you think you put up. It also turns out that losing can sometimes be the greatest thing to ever happen to you. Once I completely moved on, a lot of things started making sense to me, and now I can openly and honestly tell people that I am so glad it didn’t work out between him and I. He might’ve been good for me for a short period of time, but it wouldn’t have lasted even if we would’ve stayed together longer. The person who I am at the core is someone who he wouldn’t understand, and I’m so glad I realize that.
Now that I’ve been on my own (relationship wise), I’ve reached a point where I prefer it that way. Maybe it won’t last forever, but for right now it works for me. I realize that I’ve reached this point out of fear. Fear of embarrassment, fear of not being accepted, and fear of my heart being broken. I need to protect myself, at least for right now. I realize that it’s a little weird and open for me to admit that so publicly, but I’ve reached a point where I simply don’t care what others think. I prefer being alone. As much as I would love to be a super social and outgoing person who people just love to be around, that doesn’t work for me. I’m actually quite awkward around the majority of people and I’d much rather not force time with them because it’s too exhausting for me. I’d just rather sit at home and read, or grab coffee with a close friend, or talk to someone who I love, or someone who makes me laugh. I prefer simple things and I’d rather not try to prove myself to people who don’t understand the type of person who I am. I’m more than ok with only having a couple of close friends and I don’t need any extra people. I’ve discovered that one of the best feelings in the world is when you find someone who understands you. I think that coming across this person is so rare considering how many people there are in the world. I think that if you’re lucky enough to come across this person, you should always treasure them- whatever that looks like.
I don’t think that the way I am is a bad thing. I just think that people like me are deeply misunderstood. We aren’t being selfish, or rude, or inconsiderate. I think that we are some of the most selfless, polite, and considerate people out there to be honest. A lot of the time we have to sacrifice our comfort because the world wasn’t created for people like us. People who are accepted are the people who are outgoing, have lots of friends, and are always smiling. I love those people! But I am not one of them and I’m at the point where I no longer try to be that way. I’ve tried to mold myself into that idea of a person for years and years and it has gotten me no where. I thought that’s who I needed to strive to become because that’s what I was hearing from many people around me. It’s like sometimes people think they know you. They know a few facts about you, and they piece you together in a way that makes sense to them. And if you don’t know yourself very well, you might even believe that they are right. But the truth is, that isn’t you. That isn’t you at all. But I didn’t realize any of this until I decided to be completely honest with myself. I no longer feel the need to be accepted by the world, all that matters to me is being accepted by those few core people in my life.
Yes, I have been scarred and I have been hurt. Along with everyone else who has decided to take a chance in his or her life. That has played a huge role in me getting to where I’m at today. And even though I am not a perfect person like people have been known to imagine, I am ok with who I am and I am able to accept my flaws because that’s what makes me human and that’s what I love about myself. I don’t need you to like me. I don’t need to be accepted by everyone. I don’t strive for everyone to understand my mind or my heart. I want to do what I feel called to do, and hopefully make some kind of impact along the way. I want to live a simple life on my own and eventually, maybe fall in love with someone who just ‘gets it’, although I kind of think I might’ve been designed to be alone. We’ll see. I want to beat this battle I’ve been fighting against these past couple of months, and hopefully reach a point where I’m brave enough to talk about it with others. I want to be who I was set out to be and do those things that I have been afraid to do. I finally understand that there are some things in life that you just need to do for yourself, despite what others think about it. And that has been the most freeing thing for me.
Now this year is coming to an end and I have found myself transferring to NDSU this spring.. Lord help me because Fargo isn’t exactly the most fun place to live, but I’m ready to make the most of it. I’m looking forward to what’s in store for me there and I’m definitely ready to get out of here and start the next adventure in my life, whatever that may be.
Another shoutout but this time to my sister for showing me this song because, “it makes her think of me”. Spot on Erika, spot on.
And here’s the Selena Gomez song that I mentioned before, just in case you’re curious. I actually think this song is really beautiful.